Do you ever…

look at your social media contacts and take a look at their pages then follow that to another person’s page and read their story?

I did tonight. And it was sad. 

This one gentleman, whose pages I read, lost his wife to cancer. The same cancer I lost my mom to 4 years ago. My mom was 82 but not ready to go yet. We think she may have gone early because of my dad who left us 57 days before her. We think she died of a broken heart. 

But in reality she had cancer. A cancer that came on fast and aggressive but was totally treatable. I learned some things tonight reading that guys page and their story. I wonder if the way that my mom died was due to the cancer. Mind you she didn’t die from the cancer but a side element from it. It makes you wonder. 

After my parents passed I felt I had lost my family. My brother and sister stopped speaking to me. This was after my sister accused me of killing my mom. This after she tried to give advice but from 1500 miles away. Why didn’t you come here to help instead of leaving me to deal with this on my own. Oh sure, I had my brother. But he told the doctor I will do whatever my sister wants. Meaning me because my other sister was not here. 

My uncle deserted me too. For reasons I do not know. I had a close cousin, he is gone. I can only assume this is because of my siblings. So I have cousins and their kids from my grandmothers side of the family and I have my moms family. My moms family live on the East Coast; I live on the West. So we never get to see each other. My cousins I see a lot. They live 3 hours away. 

I want to cry over the loss of my family. I felt this happened so quickly. But I don’t cry in public. I am a tough bitch with a reputation and I don’t cry in public. I do cry a lot at home. I often wonder if I should see a counselor over this. But I feel they wouldn’t be able to help me. They would want me to reach out to my siblings and that just won’t work. I have tired. They do not want to talk to me. Why? 

So I suffer with the loss of my family. And I deal with the grief in my own way. 

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